I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
