Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
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Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
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You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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