Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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