I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
