I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
