This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
