Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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