she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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