no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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