the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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