If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
she told me i tasted like america
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Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
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We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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