I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
