so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
