Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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