Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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