I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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