u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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