dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
