we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
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I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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