just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Fuck me I smell like cheese
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
