I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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