a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
