i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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