sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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