i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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