I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
