We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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