She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
