Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
