things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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