you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
