When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
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He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
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I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He did a backflip because drugs
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