i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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