It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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