I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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