dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
