Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
