Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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