watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
