I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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