last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
