she kept yelling 'call me bella'
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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