i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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