I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i believe in u and ur pee
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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