also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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