Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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