Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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