I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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