he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
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i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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