Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
