All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
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I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
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During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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