He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
