just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
