Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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