He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
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He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
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I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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