yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
