Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
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I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
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I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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